I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Randomize
