It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
Randomize
