If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
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