make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Randomize
