I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
soo I had sex last night and he wore a condom, pulled out sans condom. we looked everywhere and couldnt find it, even in my vag. so Im in the library at school and I googled it and it gave me "gentle digging" techniques, and sure enough, found it. ew. I'll be purchasing Plan B after class.
It's just like the Real World with babies
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
Randomize
