my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
