i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
sold 4 oz of weed today pantsless. man i love college.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
I'm determining which apartments I'm mostly to move into based on how suitable the kitchens are for sex .
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
Randomize
