Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
I'm to the point where I just want to get back at him in a hot man sex tornado way.
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
Randomize
