Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
Randomize
