in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
I love taking my adderall while im in class! As soon as I take the pill out everyone around me just stares in envy!
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
wasn't that the evening we made out with the girls from the dental school, drank 3000 beers, almost had to beat up a guy at the strip club and James nailed some hot piece of tail and took her OSU windbreaker, which my dad went on to wear multiple times after finding it in the garage.
Yes. To all of that. Yes.
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
Randomize
