Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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