My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
I wish that vaginas would just grow when you're ready for sex. Like when you dont need your vagina its not there, but when you need it...BAM its there. then no one would see it when you get drunk
yeah...or you could just stop doing cartwheels in skirts
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
Post a pic on facebook and see if those same 46 girls find shitting in the bed handsome and adorable
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
Randomize
