Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
i would like you to please flash back to us blacked out in the bathroom when you told me i needed to take one for the team and have a threesome with you and jon to help your relationship. you then told me you had no issue putting ghb in my drink to make it happen.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
you were acting out moves from the wwe, in a dress. then you sceamed "you can't see me" and ran out of the apt.
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
Randomize
