Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
So my game is weak??
If your game is "Lets have sex, and maybe pizza" then yes.
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
Why are we so out going and care free I can't wait for maturity to kick in so we stop having 700 dollar bar tabs
Randomize
