so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
Panties = found
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