Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
There's glitter all over his bed from my Pink VS panties... I think I might invest in similar styles as a way of marking my territory just incase.
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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