I was on top riding him and his friend walks in and watched for a minute before he realized what was going on
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
True freedom is running around a sex club in former power plant in Berlin wearing a boots, a jock
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
Randomize
