I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
I don't think its a good idea if I moon a whole bar again
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
Would you and/or him be willing to dress up like the phantom, sing me music of the night and then bone the shit out of me? this is important.
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
Randomize
