my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
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