Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
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I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
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Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
By the way, just opened the browser on my phone for the first time today... And it was it the "images" section of "who invented ass fucking"
So thanks for that
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
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