i wish peter jackson would direct porn
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
Randomize
