Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
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