i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
she gave up head for lent, but she said sex was still fair game
the world took limewire and four lokos away from me in one week....hello depression
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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