I need to stop coming to work sober
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
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