It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
dude they were twins that means they were both only 17
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
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