I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
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