Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
