i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
