I can't believe believe she called me a slut. She doesn't know anything about me or my life.
Shit, that's something a lot of sluts say.
So are we goin out tonight?
Dude, we woke up in your car in some parking lot last night...
And that was fun, wasn't it?
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Randomize
