Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
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