I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
Well there's only 4 people in my class, we've watched a video, the instructors encouraged us to start using cocaine and now we are on break.
It's been productive.
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
Randomize
