why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Randomize