I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
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