Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
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