Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
She told me she got a 15 on her A.C.T.. that's when I knew it was a done deal.
Dood you jacked it to warcraft. you can't come back from something like that
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
Randomize