umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
Randomize
