i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
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