New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
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