my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
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