another moral hangover. fuck.
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
Randomize
