The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
Randomize
