A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
nosebleed girl is getting lots of praise
the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
I masterbated poison ivy onto my penis, it hasn't been this upset with me since the Take one for the team fiasco of 02.
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
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