pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
Randomize
