Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
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