that's just what I need...drunk ass people throwin hatchets in the dark.
I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
