Haha no. But I cannot hook up with you anymore. Especially when you group text people.
oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
maybe after you take off her top her face will be hotter
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I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
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The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
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