yeah I know. she is a stupid fat trailer trash bitchwhore and I hate her
but when she came up to me in the bar I had to be all like "OMG HEYYY how are you, I haven't seen you in foreverrrrr!!"
but for the record, yeah, I hope she gets mauled by a bear and dies
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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