Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
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