If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
Get your damn GED now that you are harvesting a child in her belly
What is a GED?
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
Also we saw a clown getting arrested. Rochester is weird.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
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