Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good
who is this?
jesse's little brother
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
Randomize
