sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
I didn't realize how trashy of a night we had.
Welllll, you did eat a cherry out of my pussy. So I think that classes it up a little.
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
Randomize
