Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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