so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
I love you. Go after that dick
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
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