I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
He started doing the gator chop at my vag and said he couldn't wait to "chomp" on it later...and I still slept with him. I hate gainesville.
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
Randomize
