At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
You're breaking my sexual little heart
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
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