I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
Sorry about you walking in on the whole nude kinect dancing. The new roomie was drunk and naked and told us he was either over dressed or we were under dressed for the party. And Amy figured it would be easier to join him than it would be to dress him
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