Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
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