Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
Randomize
